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Hello diary, recently ive been applying for college classes and its frustrating me. originally i wanted to take an economics class as a cheat way out of doing anything i kind of care about (maybe its trauma but the feeling other people will ruin things and interests for me or ill do something to ruin them myself haunts me so i avoid sharing them all together) and both micro and macroeco had 0 options for me. then i was writing in my other diary, my orange one, maybe that my second choice would be ethics, but theres like a huge wall between them so maybe my 5th choice. no options either.... okay my brothers taking psychology but i dont really want to do that. also because hes taking it. if there was a disease kind of class i would take it... thats my only psychology-related interest... conditions and how they physiologically effect you! but ill keep working on my youtube education for that. my last choice were at is music in society. i havent checked the options yet, but there better be some. honestly i dont really care that much about music to get a degree in it or something. its just something i like. sometimes it really impacts me and its pretty interesting, but its not something i want to focus on all the time. i feel like thats the perfect spot though. right now ive been thinking a lot about how i like to keep things to myself, or not join a community for my interests, and let myself explore and enjoy them on my own. it reminds me of my ambition to come completely off my phone or larger social media. its a lot of people and a lot of thoughts very uncontrolled and untamed. it feels like a subconcious attack at the same time as how much joy some things i find bring me. i remember feeling this conflicted about deleting tiktok about 2-3 years ago, it used to keep me up all night laughing the loudest i ever had, but it would make me go into long bouts of depression from not being able to focus and tear my eyes away from the screen. im glad i was able to delete it. sometimes id think of my favorite posts and giggle, but my midnight cackling stopped. i stopped laughing every night!! i had to find new things to laugh about then. what was i talking about? just in: found an online music in society class from 11am to 1pm. i can unclench my fists ive been typing with
okay rewind that nothing sounds world ending anymore. im pretty interested to see if putting college class-effort into a normal interest will bore me, piss me off, or make me want to live again. it starts the 24th through may. 2025 ladies and gents!
speaking of music in society, the grammys was the other day (last night??) and so happy to see my faves winning. i love everyone there recently whos captured my heart doechii sabrina chappell so awesome seeing them happy and glowing up there with fantastic performances keep it up!!!!


my friend recently got birth control pills to stop her period. and i feel like its such an uneducated choice she made. and im super conflicted or worried or annoyed by it or all. but she just googled the side effects and was shocked at sore boobs being one of them, and said she didnt think about the side effects when i asked her why she didnt look them up earlier... but this is her whole body shes putting at risk. my mom recently got off them from 10+ yrs and the pills fucked up her body and hormones and my friend here said good! and that annoyed me the most. this friend is constantly annoying me with the things shes saying and im worried but i dont want to tell her what to do. ugh. ugh. ugh. shes 15 :I when i was 15 i felt the same way but after hearing what they did i was disencouraged but i guess not all people have strong common sense